WHEN ‘tis the season I usually like to do something a little different – perhaps you’ll recall that last year I did a lovely Christmas poem about all the MLAs getting their bottoms smacked by Santa. And I’ll tell you, not one of them thanked me.
This year, I’ve put in the prep work. Most of you will be unaware that I popped back to the Islands this year. It was a top secret mission to discover the false Falklands stories that Penguin News keeps from you. These are the hidden histories of the Islands, the news that has never before been published, merely because none of it is true. But what even is ‘truth’ anyway? Is it the same as lies? No. But can’t lies be as informative as the truth? Also no.
Armed with this explosively confusing knowledge, I crept into the Penguin News offices one dark night, and flipped through the highly classified stories from 2025 that THEY don’t want you to see. Please be warned – the restricted made-up stories you’re about to read are so shocking, there’s a good chance your legs could fall off.
ChatGPT tops election poll
With the count completed it has emerged that AI chatbot ChatGPT received the most votes in the election, and will take a seat in the next assembly.
“I read all the manifestos and all the answers to questions on Facebook,” one voter told Penguin News. “It soon became very clear that the best candidate was ChatGPT. I admired its stance on a whole host of local issues.”
“I voted for ChatGPT,” said another voter. “Apart from anything else, it was the only candidate that was able to write decent English.”
Chief of Police discovered in quantum vortex
The Chief of Police’s absence, it has been revealed, was due to being sucked into a whirling quantum vortex transcending time and space.
Rumour had been rife throughout the community that the Chief of Police was not at work, with FIG saying that as a matter of policy it did not comment on individual cases of rifts in the space/time continuum. However, with the Chief having been burped back into this universe, he was able to speak to the media and comment on his leave of absence.
“The lights,” he responded to every question. “The lights look into you.”
An FIG spokesman said that while he was aware the Chief’s mind now pulsed with the knowledge of the hallucinatory maelstrom lurking behind our reality, he looked forward to him resuming his duties as soon as he’d had a nice cup of tea and a sit down.
Transparency vote for MLAs
A recent Legislative Assembly was marked by a discussion on vote transparency. One major issue for voters at the last election was the desire for MLA votes to be recorded and made public, so that more informed decisions can be made in subsequent elections.
MLAs agreed unanimously that this was a terrible idea, as too much information might confuse the voters’ pretty little heads. It was decided that going forward, votes should be even more secretive, with nobody being able to blame anyone for anything.
MLAs will now register secret ballots in a special code while dressed in large shapeless cloaks to hide their identities. Asked by Penguin News how assembly members can be held accountable for their decisions, a spokesman said: “What assembly? I don’t know anything about any assembly.”
Penguin News tried to reach individual MLAs for comment, only to find that their identities have been scrubbed and Gilbert House replaced with a nightmarish mirror maze.
Immigration to be tightened
FIG has bent to public pressure and introduced new stricter immigration laws. However, they have announced the new guidelines will result in all but three families being deported.
“Having surveyed the population for ancestry, accent, and general bolshiness,” an FIG spokesman told Penguin News, “we have determined that the new sensible balanced immigration laws permit only 34 individuals, totalling three distinct families, to live and work in the Falklands.”
Pressed on the consequences for the rest of the population, the spokesman said everyone else would need to return to their country of origin this instant, having been designated illegal immigrants. “It’s the only way to protect the Falklands’ health and education services,” he said, “although obviously the schools and the hospital will close immediately.”
He continued: “Those remaining in the Islands are the only ones who truly understand Falklands culture, whatever that is. I’m not personally sure, and therefore will be deporting myself this afternoon.”
MLAs order shed
A new shed, made of wood and featuring shelves, is to be built at a cost to the taxpayer of £30 million.
The shed, to be sited next to Gilbert House according to a 3D graphic that cost half a million to create, will be used for some garden tools and a broken microwave that somebody needs to take to the tip.
“We are assured it is top of the range by the contracted providers,” announced an FIG spokesman. “Our four-year tendering process has ended with the selection of the company ‘Dagenham Sheds and Gnomes’, who have signed on to probably have the shed constructed within the next decade, subject to material delivery, financial solvency and other jobs they might have on.”
The FIG announcement comes after harsh criticism from the Public Accounts Committee over the new slide for the children’s play park. The slide, which ends abruptly six feet from the ground, took six years and £18 million to install. “I can definitively say that this time lessons have been learned,” an FIG spokesman responded at the time.
It is estimated that the new shed will remain open for use for three weeks, before being closed again as unfit for purpose and requiring repairs that will cost a further £4 million.
Falklands to become world repository for biohazardous waste
In an effort to compensate for reduced fishing revenues, FIG and the MLAs will proceed with a scheme to become world leaders in having crap dumped on them.
“Did you know we have the lowest number of people per square mile of any country?” said an FIG spokesman. “If you’ve got all that room to yourself, and over there we’ve piled a massive shipment of asbestos soaked in wee and battery acid, would you even notice? You’d barely know it was there at all if it wasn’t for the burning stench of wee and battery acid.”
The plan could see Islanders rewarded with funds which will be helpful with the inevitable resulting half-life spent in a desert hellscape.
“It might seem ambitious given our record on, well, everything,” said the FIG spokesman. “But with sensible planning and a bit of local know-how we believe we can perform to the peak of industry specifications. Within 15 years we will have imported enough radioactive material to make us the uranium centre of the world and you’ll see us glowing from space. In your face, Chernobyl!”
FIG insisted that while becoming a giant bin is essential for the economic welfare of the Islands, every effort would be made to protect the local environment.
New Comms Officer
FIG has announced the appointment of a new Head of Communications, a Mr Tony Soprano.
Formerly of New Jersey in the United States, Mr Soprano comes to the post with an impressive history of making things very clear to mooks who don’t seem to get the message, FIG said.
Mr Soprano, 46, said: “I’m very happy to be here, and I’ve already noticed a few things. For instance, that’s a nice newspaper you got going there, be a shame if anything happened to it.”
Penguin News asked Mr Soprano to clarify, and in response he said, “Hey, hey, we’re all friends here.”
FIG have released a statement congratulating Mr Soprano, and promising local media that awkward questions would henceforth be met with a personal visit to “straighten a few things out”.
