In his bi-weekly column, Langley Shazor speaks to issues important to men within the territory.
This is going to be a tough topic to explore, and some may not ever agree with me on this. However, the more I have pondered and studied on forgiveness, both from a practical perspective as well as a spiritual one, I have discovered something interesting. When we consider the importance of forgiveness, specifically for ourselves and our own wellness, we often overlook the significance of forgetting. I, like many others, said, “I can forgive, but I can’t forget” for years. What I have uncovered is this mentality limits the true power of letting go.
To put it bluntly, you can’t hang on and let go at the same time. You may be saying, “Of course, that doesn’t make sense,” and yet that is exactly what is happening when you don’t forget, let alone forgive. I understand that we believe you can’t forget what has happened to you. But memory is a funny neurological process. Once an event has passed, it has evaporated into the ether for time. It can never be experienced the same way again. This is because time never stops. Even if you could recreate something, there are factors outside of your control that will be different. The sky, birds and insects, plants, planetary alignment will all be positioned differently, if they exist at all in that frame. What you are recollecting is how something made you feel.
I know you may want to object; however, how many things happen to and around you all the time that you can’t remember? This is because they were insignificant to you personally. I don’t mean this in a derogatory way. As an example, you won’t remember all the cars you pass on your daily commute, but you will remember the one that startles you as it zooms by, the luxury vehicle that makes you dream, the erratic person that enrages you by cutting you off or almost hitting you, and so on. As you can see, if it doesn’t elicit an emotional response, it often goes unregistered. If it doesn’t register, it is forgotten.
It is the attachment to the emotion that keeps things replaying in our minds. We have the power to forget when we choose to exercise it. Let us bring this full circle and apply it where it is most important, to our relationships. Forgiveness does not mean that you condone behaviors or that you are overlooking the pain that was caused. What it does mean is that you are not going to continue to internalize that hurt, anger, envy, jealousy, etc. that is poisoning you. In theory, this is all we think we must do, but as I stated earlier, if we don’t forget (or unregister), we aren’t removing the control that experience has over us. When we operate from unforgiveness, we adversely affect all our interactions in the future. This is because we are operating from a place of fear, being reactive instead of proactive.
The way we enhance forgiveness and empower it to be truly transformative is to forget, but we must put this in the proper context. I have worked with several individuals who claim to have forgiven their partners but can detail every offense that has ever taken place. This is important to note for two reasons, love does not keep a record, and you can’t forgive the person and still hold stuff over their heads or file things away to weaponize later. If, in fact, you are going to forgive someone and stay with them, whatever was in the past stays in the past forever. What we don’t realize is that when a person doesn’t feel like they are ever going to get a clean slate, or can do nothing to improve the relationship, they lose self-esteem, self-love, and the willingness to improve themselves. Therefore, by not giving someone an unobstructed path to redemption, we are destroying them.
This is where forgetting becomes the second phase to true forgiveness. Let me first say that if you are cutting ties with someone, or excusing yourself from the table, forgetting is applied slightly differently. With dissolving relationships, you remember the lesson so the next time something appears to be similar in nature, you have the discernment to investigate a little deeper or move more judiciously. What you forget is the person responsible, i.e., the emotional attachment to that individual. What this means is that you can forward and not automatically place unfair and illogical demands on the next suitor or friend for the betrayals of the former. If you are electing to remain connected to a person after forgiveness is required, you have an outright obligation to forget the offense and the emotions tied to it. Again, you can’t hang on and let go and expect to have a blossoming relationship moving forward.
I am fully aware that all of this, like many of the topics we discuss here in The Lounge, are easier said, or read, than done. Implementing these strategies and tools is a process. No one knows how long it will take. We will not always get it right or do it correctly, but if we never try, we are robbing ourselves and others of a prosperous and magnificent quality of life, as well as beautiful relationships, romantic and platonic. Our potential for greatness lies in our ability to relinquish internal and external components that are inhibiting our growth and development. Sometimes it is one hundred percent them. But more often, it is one hundred percent us.
Editor’s Note: Opinion articles do not represent the views of the Virgin Islands Source newsroom and are the sole expressed opinion of the writer. Submissions can be made to [email protected].
